New Paths

As I'm counting down the days, it's only 20 days to go home for Chinese New Year! Have I ever mentioned that I’m an INFJ? The "I" in INFJ stands for introverted, but many people say that INFJs are actually the most extroverted of all the introverted types. I don’t think that’s wrong. When I think of introversion, I always imagine someone with a shy personality who doesn’t really like talking to people. But when I got tested as an introvert, I was honestly shocked. I’ve always considered myself someone who blends well with people.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized it’s more about my survival instinct. I need to wear different masks depending on who I’m talking to, and sometimes, it gets a little too exhausting. I’ve even forgotten which mask I’m supposed to wear at times. I’m scared of losing myself while trying to fit in with those around me. These days, it feels hard to just be myself, but I’m trying.

Up until now, I still don’t really know what I like. But one thing I’m sure of is that I know exactly what I don’t like. And this is how I’ve survived so far—I use the "deletion method." I eliminate the things I don’t like and move forward with whatever’s left in the game. Though, honestly, I’m still not sure whether I actually like what’s left. I’m still figuring it out. Life is so long—unless, of course, I suddenly die tomorrow (touch wood)! It’s a very long journey to figure out what I truly love the most.

Anyway, I heard from my lunch partner, LB, that one of her colleagues, W, has just resigned, and tomorrow will be her last day at the company. W worked there for 18 years. 18 years... How many 18 years can you have in your life? LB told me that W said she feels like the company hasn’t really appreciated her value in recent years. Every year, she would receive a bonus and an increment, but last year she got neither. She sees that as a sign that she’s no longer considered valuable here. LB also told me that this company doesn’t really give increments to their employees. This has caused a lot of young people to leave—some after three years, some after just one year. I wonder if I’m going to break the record of leaving within one year of working. Lately, I feel like I’m at the edge of exploding—it’s just a matter of time.

I actually don’t feel like being an engineer anymore. I want to be a consultant, I want to talk to people, and sometimes I even feel like studying psychology. I also want to be an HR executive because I’m really good at understanding what people are good at (or bad at). And I want to try being a teacher—I know I’m good at transferring knowledge to others. My mentor from my previous company once said, “Doctors will advise their kids to be doctors, lawyers will advise their kids to be lawyers, but engineers will never advise their kids to be engineers.” I relate to this statement so much. Being an engineer for me is just... meh. I’m not speaking for everyone, just my own experience. I don’t find any fun in engineering jobs, to be honest. Everything is dead—processes are dead, documentation is dead, quality assurance is dead. And soon, the longer I do this, I’ll be dead inside too.

By the way, this is the back exercise by Aurora Ouyang that I've been following!